On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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