I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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