omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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