you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
