hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
These tits shall not be calmed
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