Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
