Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize