Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
