She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
