i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
