Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
