so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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