he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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