i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
