Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
