so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
