I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
