You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
