Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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