and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize