trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
