The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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