I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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