His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
