If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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