i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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