And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize