I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
