I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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