Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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