we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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