I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
