There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
