i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
