omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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