i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize