you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
