I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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