I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
