Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
