im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
