This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
