dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My ass is underappreciated
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
