I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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