nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
