my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
