Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
