I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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