Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
