Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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