my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
