So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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