tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
