I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm both gender and math confused
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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