I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
