You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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