they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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