the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
