Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just googled if crying burns calories
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
