i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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