while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
