batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
