I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize