Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
