Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
