I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
